


Just Kiss Me Don't Burn Me (And I'll Be Yours)

by hansungchan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dark, M/M, Mild Smut, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, idk how to tag this, read at your own risk lol, this is a self-indulgent fic and im not even sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25874269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan
Summary: Jaemin knew Renjun can not ever reciprocate his love. Still, he owned the victory in the end.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Just Kiss Me Don't Burn Me (And I'll Be Yours)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Yours by Chanyeol x Raiden (feat. Lee Hi and Changmo). 
> 
> As put on the tag, this is a self-indulgent fic written in one sitting. So sorry for the mistakes and grammatical errors. Feel free to leave any comments and kudos if you enjoyed my story. It's also a good timing today is Jaemin's birthday so this can be considered a birthday fic for our birthday boy hehe. Have a nice day!
> 
> \- sungchan

The 13th of August is Jaemin’s birthday. So of course, it is given the young man be flooded with various birthday greetings from people (half of them Jaemin couldn’t even remember the name of). His table in his work office is piled up with presents he received from coworkers. To which he politely thanked the others for, before discarding them all up on one side. Judging Jaemin’s social life, he’s very certain a long day is waiting ahead for him as the birthday celebrant.

But none of that matters. The fleeting greetings that would leave his ears as soon as it came in, nor the gifts he wouldn’t even bother using. All of these things he received from complete strangers don’t compare to the one Renjun gave him.

Even if it’s just a simple “Happy birthday” followed by a kiss on his cheek that early morning.

In fact, he was so happy it made his day _so much_ better. At least, today Renjun kissed him first. Ah no. At least today, Renjun _kissed him_ before going to work.

And that’s not even the end of it. He also received a text message from his lover that says: _Happy birthday again, Jaemin-ah._ _It’s your day so I hope you enjoy it!_ _Let’s eat dinner later, okay?_ _Have fun at work!_

The heart emoticon that follows made Jaemin leap in joy. He checked the clock. It is barely lunchtime. Another thing to be happy about because _Renjun just texted him_ _before lunchtime!_ Renjun rarely texts him in the middle of his work.

After typing a reply, the obvious giddiness reveals the wide stretch of Jaemin’s lips. The thought of eating dinner with Renjun later makes him impatient. The now 25 year-old-male wished he could control time and move it fast forward by evening. He can’t wait to see his lovely Renjun and spend time with him.

Gosh, he hopes it’s his birthday every day.

***

Jaemin left work early, politely declining his colleagues’ offer of drinking out with the reason he has a dinner date to prepare. Of course, the man could only leave and breathe after entertaining multiple teasing thrown at him by his coworkers.

Their dinner date is just a simple yet very special dinner Jaemin himself prepared for both he and Renjun in their comfy little home. He knew very well Renjun will be tired to go out later so he decided to cook the meals with his mediocre cooking skills. Preparing Renjun’s favorite dishes and wine, as well as the table and the candlelit arrangement. He made sure to take a bath first before Renjun arrives in half an hour.

Two hours later, Renjun still hasn’t come. His texts unanswered. Jaemin thought of calling Renjun one time but he knew the other hated it when someone calls his phone, especially if the matter is truly not _that_ important. So Jaemin patiently waits. Standing up from time to time to replace the ice cubes on the ice bucket to keep the wine chill, even reheating their dinner when the two hours turned to three.

Renjun only came when the clock strikes at 11. Jaemin smiled, welcoming Renjun at the kitchen doorway. “You’re just in time. I reheated our dinner. Come on, let’s eat?”

As always, Renjun looked away. A habit of his, every time he sees Jaemin’s face. The truth is, Jaemin could only count in his mind the time Renjun looks him directly in the eyes for the three years they shared together. It’s as if looking at Jaemin is something he can not force himself to do.

“I’m sorry, Jaem. I had to finish a last-minute presentation because it’s a demand from the Principal and I can’t exactly say no. I didn’t mean to be late.”

Jaemin quickly shakes his head, holding Renjun’s hand who flinched a little before guiding him on their table. “It’s okay, love. I understand. Now let’s eat, hmm? I cooked this for us.”

He noticed a box on Renjun’s hand. The smaller placing it beside the ice bucket. “Happy birthday, Jaemin-ah. I’m sorry I could only buy you a cake. I am not good with gifts.” Renjun scratched his nape.

“Whoa, is this chocolate flavor? I love this Renjunnie. Thank you so much!” Jaemin hugged the smaller, eyes beaming in happiness at the thought of Renjun buying him a cake on his birthday.

Though a little surprised, Renjun broke into a soft smile. Patting awkwardly his lover’s back, he whispered, “You’re welcome.”

Jaemin loved his birthday out of all the days in a year (the other one is the day of his anniversary with Renjun). It is the only day where the taller boy received an extra bit of affection from his lover, a day where he received an extra bit of Renjun’s time. And one of those rare days where he is certain Renjun would cling to him on his sleep, burying his face at the taller’s neck as he whispered a sleepy _Goodnight_ to Jaemin’s ear. It is one of the rare days Renjun put an extra effort showing affection for him.

So Jaemin is extremely saddened when the morning comes. For along the disappearance of the moon, so is the magic of yesterday. Renjun will be back to normal. Jaemin will wake up in a very cold bed, seeing not a single trace of his lover. At least Renjun managed to text him a good morning and goodbye as he’ll be off to work early. As usual.

The morning shift at work is the dullest, Jaemin hates it. Counting in his head the remaining time until both the clock’s hands turn to 12. Only that day is also one of _those_ days where Renjun doesn’t bother a single message for Jaemin.

The night is especially lonely. Despite Renjun arriving earlier than last time, there is always a wall between them that Jaemin couldn’t break. For it’s so tall, made up of the strongest and hardest bricks, surrounding Renjun and separating him from Jaemin’s arms. Jaemin wonders how is it possible. To have someone so close to you and yet they feel so far away. Renjun sure is beside him, in his cute Moomin PJs, drinking tea with their skin nearly touching. And still, Jaemin cannot feel him.

Every time he asked Renjun the most random questions in hopes of stirring a conversation, Renjun would immediately cut it off with dull and short replies. Every time Jaemin whispers I love you to Renjun’s ears, Renjun would only nod it off and return with a _thankful_ smile. And every time, _every time_ , Jaemin tried to kiss Renjun’s lips, the other would kiss back. However, it’s always rough, needy, and harsh. One that would end with both of them naked, clothes forgotten on the floor. Still, Renjun couldn’t even look him in the eye despite calling Jaemin’s name in the middle of an orgasm.

Of course, Jaemin knows. He’s not stupid. Renjun was never a secretive person. He’s frank, direct with his words and true with his intentions. He may be a heart breaker, but he’s no liar. Every time Renjun got the chance, he would slap to Jaemin’s face the reality of their relationship. The truth that it is no out of love. At least, not in Renjun’s side.

“ _Renjun-ah, I love you.”_

“ _What?” Renjun blinked, thoroughly confused at the sudden confession that left Jaemin’s lips._

“ _I love you. I mean, I_ _ **really**_ _love you. Do you love me too?”_

_There’s a flash of surprise swimming in Renjun’s eyes, then it morphed into vagueness, fading away until the only thing remaining is the emptiness that dulls the usually_ _glittery_ _orbs._ _As if to mock Jaemin and his already crushed heart._

“ _I’m sorry, Jaemin. I don’t feel the same way. I can not offer you_ _no more than this_ _relationship and my... body._ _I can’t give you my heart._ _I don’t think that’s possible after...” Renjun trails off, as if the following words (or name) that is soon to escape his lips is_ _a forbidden one._ _Still, he took a deep breath and stare directly to Jaemin’s eyes._ _It is so rare that he did_ _but every time he does,_ _it breaks Jaemin more. “_ _If you want to leave, I’m not gonna stop you._ _If you can’t accept what we have now,_ _I see no reason for us to stay in this situation.”_

_Jaemin is sure i_ _f he could only see himself he_ _is the_ _very_ _example of the word_ _pitiful_ _. With_ _how he quickly_ _shook_ _his head without thinking twice, holding on to Renjun’s wrists, eyes pleading and sobbing. “_ _No, no! I won’t go away! It’s okay, I understand._ _I won’t leave_ _you_ _.”_

_Maybe Renjun himself is twisted_ on his own, _breaking someone’s heart then apologizing the next second._ _With absolutely no_ _trace of being sorry_ _in his eyes. “_ _I’m sorry, Jaemin._ _But if ever you found someone who can truly make you happy, I want you to go for it._ _I don’t want you_ _to be stuck with me forever._ _Not if you can find true love with someone else.”_

_Cruel. That’s what Renjun is._ _**‘** **You asked me to leave because you know I won't. It's written in your eyes.'**_ _But Jaemin swallowed all the words in his throat, swirling at the pool of his stomach as he buried them deep, deep, deep._

_Find true love with someone else? Jaemin snorts at the mere idea itself. Can’t Renjun see? He **is** his true love. Ever since the day he first met the boy, he decided then Renjun is his one true love. And so he stayed by his side, when everybody else left, Na Jaemin is the only one who never leaves._

_And he doesn’t have any plans to._

***

The heavy scent of alcohol is what woke Jaemin up in the middle of the night. Renjun hovering on top of him and hugging him so tight like he always wanted. Before Jaemin could speak, Renjun clashed their mouths together. Renjun’s tongue protruding the taller’s lips. The sensation made Jaemin dizzy, mind spiraling out of control as he lost himself in his addiction of Renjun’s taste. Licking his way on the mouth that reeks of sweet liquor.

Renjun moaned. “...want you. Please.”

Soon enough, Jaemin flipped them both, he now had the smaller under him. So helpless, so needy, and still so ethereal under the silhouette of the moonlight.

“Please, Jaemin. Just fuck me, please,” Renjun is sobbing, writhing, nails digging hard on Jaemin’s back.

“Say you love me first.”

Renjun stopped. Eyes staring at Jaemin’s now as if to comprehend if he heard it right. Maybe even finding traces of humor in the other’s serious face. When found none, he pulled the taller to his neck, whispering to Jaemin’s ears again, trying to manipulate the situation in his own favor.

“But baby, you know I do right? Come on, just fuck me now. I know you want me too.”

“No. I want to hear it from you. Say you love me, and I will do everything you want me to.”

“Fine. I love you. Happy?”

Smiling, Jaemin look into Renjun with dazzling eyes. “You do?”

“Ugh for fuck's sake Jaemin, just do what I need you to do unless you want me to leave and walk out of this room!” And despite the airy breath leaving Renjun’s mouth, his voice is cold when it reached Jaemin’s ears.

Still, Jaemin loves it.

He loves Renjun, and all his lies. He loves Renjun, and all his empty promises of staying with him forever. He loves Renjun, and all his meaningless I love yous. He loves Renjun, and his restrained smiles. He loves Renjun, and his eyes that finds it hard to look his way. He loves Renjun, and his heart that can never be his. _For it is already owned by someone else._

But that didn’t matter now. None of those matters in Jaemin’s head. Not when Renjun is shouting his name in pleasure, not when he is helplessly holding on to Jaemin like a limp rag doll made for Jaemin to fuck. Not when he is the cause of that bliss in Renjun’s face. Not when Renjun is filled with his cum, and chanting his name in daze.

“I love you, Renjun. You’re mine.”

For the next hour, Jaemin refused to sleep. Only staring at the amount of hickeys loitering Renjun’s pale skin. Renjun’s sleeping face is so entertaining to watch. For the smaller in Jaemin’s eyes is always beautiful.

Doesn’t matter if he cries in the middle of his sleep, fresh droplets of tears tolling down his wet eyelashes to parch his pillow underneath. As he mutters a silent, “Sorry. Donghyuck.”

Jaemin clenched his jaw, knuckles white with how hard he balled his fist.

‘ _Why,_ _Renjun? Why?’_

***

Jaemin understands it all the next day. When his gaze accidentally landed on their calendar while stirring his coffee. The reason why Renjun is out so late last night, why he came home drunk and begging for Jaemin’s attention. It’s because he needed a distraction. And as always, Jaemin is a good one, very willing too, of course.

The taller almost chuckled bitterly at the red number printed on the calendar aligned with Saturday. Yesterday is August 15. _‘_ _It’s that day, huh?’_

With a plan of his own, he too took a shower and dressed up. In the midst of preparing to leave, Renjun woke up from his deep slumber, hair all messy and mouth opening for a yawn. “Where are you going?” he asked Jaemin.

“Oh, morning babe!” Jaemin flashed him a wide smile. “I had to buy something at the mall. I’ll probably be back before lunchtime. Do you want me to buy takeouts on the way home?”

“Hmm. Sure. I’d love a takeout. Probably Chinese.”

“Alright, as you wish. For now, I’ll be leaving. Be back, okay? Love you.” Jaemin swooped in for a peck on Renjun’s lips.

“M’kay. Keep safe,” was all Renjun muttered before Jaemin left the house.

On his way to his destination, he stopped by a flower shop and requested for a bouquet of chrysanthemum. Of course, he can not go empty-handed now can he? After paying the florist, he continued on his drive.

Fifteen minutes later, Jaemin stopped by a cemetery. God, how he hated this place. As a child, he’s never been familiar to it as he always lost his way looking for the grave of those he loved. That’s why it’s a little funny and ironic for him to easily locate the grave of that one person he despised the most.

“Ah, there you are.” Jaemin’s lips were pulled in a wide grin as he finally stopped in front of a stone. In it, engraved was the name _Lee Donghyuc_ _k,_ _1995 –_ _2015._

What caught Jaemin’s eyes, shifting his loathed stare into a full-on menacing glare is the pot of _fresh_ chrysanthemum resting beside the stone. If his looks could only drain life, the flower would be withering by now. He gazed at it with so much hate, so much anger, Jaemin had to stop himself from throwing the pot away and stepping on it until it is one with dirt.

Of course, Jaemin knew exactly it was Renjun who brought it. His sweet lover who never once lose a streak on visiting his former boyfriend's grave on the day of his death anniversary. Which is yesterday, August 15.

With Lee Donghyuck, Renjun never misses.

Once Jaemin calmed himself enough, he sat down on the field of grass. After placing his own present, he spoke, “It’s been a long time, Hyuck.”

Indeed it is. 5 years since Donghyuck’s death. The death that changed all of their lives forever. Especially Renjun’s.

“So he did came yesterday, huh? Is it good to spend a whole day with my lover?” There’s venom in Jaemin’s voice when he asked that, leaving a minute of silence as if he’s anticipating for a reply.

“Five years, Hyuck. _Five years._ You left him! And yet, _it’s still you_.” For the first time, Jaemin allowed himself to cry.

He is not stupid. Renjun probably thinks he’s doing a great job keeping his little secret. Just because Jaemin never confronted him, scared Renjun would leave him if he ever does, doesn’t mean he is a fool. All these years, it’s still Donghyuck Renjun loves. The one person who owned his heart. The person he’s been singing all his love songs for, the person he dreamed a future with, and the person he would without a doubt leave Jaemin for.

And if only Donghyuck is alive, Jaemin knew Renjun would not even bat him an eyelash.

It’s always Donghyuck, Donghyuck, Donghyuck. Sometimes Renjun would look at him and smile like he’s seeing Donghyuck’s face in Jaemin’s. There are nights he would hug him, calling him his sunshine, and Jaemin knew very well Donghyuck is Renjun’s _only_ sunshine. And there is one particular time, where Renjun kissed him on the lips, so tender and full of love. But his eyes are closed, so Jaemin knew in Renjun’s mind he was imagining Donghyuck’s mouth instead of his.

“ _I_ am the one who stayed! I didn’t left! So how dare you, Donghyuck, how dare a dead man like you ruined what is supposed to be mine?!” Jaemin spat, so angrily his voice was echoing around the quiet cemetery.

There’s a track of angry tears trailing down Jaemin’s cheek. “I did everything for him. I understand him, always gave him the space he needed, I always waited for him! I never _once_ blame him for anything! Unlike _you_ who only gave him pain and heartaches! I fucking hate you so much!”

Inside his head, he knew his reality. And he has long accepted it, just for the sake of Renjun staying by his side. Just to protect his title as Renjun’s lover.

In the end, Jaemin emits a laughter, wiping his tears before his lips curl up in a sadistic grin.

“So what if you are Renjun’s sunshine? He _is_ my sunshine. So what if he wrote you poems and love letters, before and until now? So what if you are who he remembers in every sad crappy love songs that plays on the radio? So what if he once shared a dream with you? And so what if he told you his I love yous and actually _mean_ it?” Jaemin shakes his head, sighing in mock pity while his eyes bathed in amusement and secrecy.

“ _You are dead._ _I killed you, remember?”_ Jaemin clapped his hand like a seal as he hollered in laughter. “Oh no no no, _you killed yourself_ because of your stupidity. I mean seriously Donghyuck, I thought your parents told you not to wander too far in a forest. Let alone stand in front of a dangerous cliff?”

Jaemin remembers the day all too well. The day where he killed the pest in his life, Lee Donghyuck.

It is easy. To push Donghyuck on the cliff for the sharks to feast on his weak little body. It is in the middle of the night, and everyone is already sleeping on their tents after a long day of their planned weekend getaway. Jaemin, taking advantage of the only chance to get rid of Donghyuck, called the other to meet in the forest. It is easy to lure the tanned boy, knowing he is a person full of curiosity and filled with adventure running through his veins. It is easy to earn Donghyuck’s trust. After all, he is Na Jaemin. The perfect boy next door and adored by many.

It sure is fun, seeing Donghyuck’s eyes stretched open the horrific realization of Jaemin’s betrayal. He gotta admit, the boy is pretty strong. Fighting to save his own life until the end. Gripping so hard at the surface. Clenching his own teeth and shouting for help. All while Jaemin smiled sinisterly from above, boots stepping down Donghyuck’s fingers until he can no longer hold back and finally fell into his own death.

His body was recovered two days later. Almost unrecognizable. And when Renjun weeps and cried for his dead lover, Jaemin is the one to hold him and hugged him tight.

“So tell me Donghyuck, does it really matter if you are Renjun’s one true love? It doesn’t. Who cares about those unfulfilled promises and stupid dreams you both shared? _I_ am Renjun’s reality. He’s stuck with me forever because I am here. I am the one who stayed. In the end, I am the winner Donghyuck. Renjun is mine.”

Now grinning from ear to ear, Jaemin whistled on his way out of the cemetery. He missed Renjun, his little Renjun.

When he came back, he made sure to hug Renjun especially tight. That even if Renjun tried to squirm his way out, Jaemin did not let him. _He never will._

“What’s the matter? You hug as if you don’t want to let me go,” Renjun joked after finally losing himself on Jaemin’s suffocating arms.

“Oh darling, it’s because I won’t. Never in a hundred years.”


End file.
